Moving Up – Christian Foley

Moving Up: How to Ace Secondary School is a handbook that all Year 6 children should take a look at. Foley guides the reader through all aspects of the transition into secondary school discussing the practicalities of having different teachers, subjects and uniforms but also tackling the meatier topics about relationships and bullying.

Moving Up is divided into 3 sections. Part 1 focuses on Year 6, dealing with all the rumours that are going around about secondary school and which ones might actually be true. Part 2 is all about Year 7 and what to expect when you get there: the first day, the subjects, getting lost, the rules, and so on. The final part is probably the one that I’ll be coming back to the most. Much of it doesn’t seem overly relevant at the moment, with talk of peer pressure, bullying, social media and relationships a little way off for my kids just now, but I’m sure they’ll be on the agenda soon enough.

We’ve finished the book and really enjoyed it but it will not be the last time I’ll use it. I will be sharing it with pupils and parents at school and returning to it with my own children at home. It’s a useful book, upon first read, for answering questions that many Year 6s will be concerned about and putting worried minds at ease, but it covers so many important issues, I’m sure we’ll be revisiting certain passages as they move into secondary school.

Tom, age 11, says: “It’s given me tips about secondary school. It’s good to know before I go what things I’ll need for different subject and it was really helpful in letting me know about the different uniform I’ll need.

Discover more brilliant books for Key Stage 2 children below…

Chicken City Vs Egg United – 11.5.24

Match Report by Tom, 11.

Setting the Scene

This was the second year of Alex Horne’s Comedy Football match. Comedy football because it’s played by comedians, but also because of the rule changes that Alex introduced.

  1. You must shout your own name every time you shoot.
  2. A goalscorer can double their goal by pulling off a crossbar challenge immediately after.
  3. Goalkeepers must go up for every corner.
  4. Managers must be in the centre circle at all times but mustn’t touch the ball.
  5. When ‘Wrecking Ball’ by Miley Cyrus is played, a second ball will be introduced.
  6. If you get a yellow card, you must wear a yellow marigold glove for the reast of the game.
  7. If you get a second yellow card, you must do the washing-up after the match.
  8. If a team goes three goals up, every outfield player on that team must hold hands with another of their players while ‘I Want To Hold Your Hand’ plays (This rule was never introduced throughout the game).
  9. If the referee thinks that you’ve done something very well, you must wear the wonderful wig – a pink curly one! The player wearing the wonderful wig at the final whistle gets a £20 cash prize.
  10. Each manager has a party popper/ confetti cannon each and they can fire it whenever they want (but the ball must be out of play.) They then must choose one player from each team to play a one-on-one for the next two minutes. Both goalkeepers keep playing too though.

It was a really hot day and the match was taking place at the home of Chesham United, the Meadow.

My mum’s favourite bit was the songs that were played before the game. There were lots of well known songs that had place names in, but the place names were all changed to Chesham. Galway Girl, by Ed Sheeran, became Chesham Girl, Back in the U.S.S.R by the Beatles, became Back in the C.H.E.S.H.A.M and Walking in Memphis by Cher became Walking in Chesham. There were loads of others and they were all very funny.

Before kick off the teams lined up for the anthems. You can see the lyrics below.

The teams line up for the anthems

The Teams

Both teams were made up comedians with a handful of players from Chesham United’s men’s and women’s teams helping them out.

Chicken City

The reigning champions who played in the home kit of Chesham United in claret and blue.

Stuart Laws (GK), Mathew Baynton, Doc Brown, Maisie Adam, Ivo Graham, John Kearns, Matt Winning, James Gill, Elis James, Gemma Fraser (CUFC), Ellie Doerr (CUFC), Kieran Murphy (CUFC), Eoin Casey (CUFC), Ennis Alhashimi (CUFC), Hugh Dennis (Player Manager)

Egg United

The host, Alex Horne’s, team were wearing the Chesham away kit of yellow and black.

Tom Rosenthal (GK), Alex Horne, Tim Key, James Acaster, Mike Wozniak, Mark Watson, Sophie Duker, Charlie Baker, Annie McGrath, Alex Brooker, Jon Richardson, Jim Daly, Andy Devonshire, Becky Fraser (CUFC), Tasha Smith (CUFC), Lewis Rolfe (CUFC), Jeanmal Prosper (CUFC), Matt Rose (CUFC).

Director of Football – Nish Kumar

The Match

First Half

The game began with both teams in their own goals and when the ref blew the whistle, they all ran to the middle to try and get the ball. To start off, the holders, Chicken City, looked like the better team. The control then changed hands when Egg United scored the opener.

Then one of the Egg Utd players attempted the crossbar challenge and… failed. The Chicken City players continued to attack and their continuous relentlessness finally resulted in a goal. The Chicken City player failed the crossbar challenge and it was at 1-1.

The Chickens continued to press and it became 2-1 to Chicken City not long after. Can you guess what happened for the crossbar challenge? If you said that it would be missed, you would be correct. The Chicken City players weren’t as attacking but still scored again to make it 3-1, the crossbar challenge remained unconverted.

Now in came rule 5, the one about ‘Wrecking Ball’ by Miley Cyrus. The second ball caused some chaos, with the host, Alex Horne taking advantage and scoring for the Eggs. 3-2! Egg-citing! The crossbar challenge still remained uncompleted. Do you think that this rule is pointless?

Then Egg United had all of the momentum and, using that momentum, they score again just before halftime but, again, they didn’t convert the crossbar challenge.


During halftime, there was a penalty shootout between 75 local schoolkids and it only took two rounds to find a winner. At first glance, the goalkeeper looked tiny, but he made some great saves. in the second round, there was only one goalscorer out of about 35 kids.

Alex Horne led a minute’s applause for a local boy who tragically lost his life recently. If you are able, you can contribute to a Go Fund Me page to support his family here.

Also during half time, Sam Campbell presented Chesham United with their new mascot, Chess Ham. Chess Ham is a pig with a big chess piece on it’s head. Unfortunately, soon after Chess Ham came onto the pitch he started being chased by a butcher who wanted to make sausages out of him. It was very funny.

Second Half

The second half contained even more silliness and fun. The fox in the box, Alex Horne, kept causing havoc in the City box and made the 7th goal occur with the luckless John Kearns steering it into his own net. Oops! The crossbar challenge conversion was failed once again.

As the second half progressed, the Chicken City player/manager, Hugh Dennis, became the first of the two managers to fire his confetti cannon. This meant that there was a 2-on-2 match, including goalkeepers, happening for two minutes before the rest of the team rushed back on to join in again. This was a clever and funny rule, however, it didn’t result in any goals and the players involved looked quite tired. The same happened later on when the Egg United manager played his.

Throughout the second half, the tempo slowed due to the intense heat and the game looked to be heading for a 7-5 Egg Utd win. However, in the 90th minute, Maisie Adam scored to make it 7-6. As she stepped up to take the crossbar challenge conversion, the crowd were silent. Then, she became the first player, at the 13th attempt, to complete the crossbar challenge. 7-7! Adam celebrated in the same way that Chloe Kelly celebrated her winner at the 2022 Women’s Euros. She took her shirt off and sprinted around in extreme ecstasy. The crowd went crazy. The referee blew his whistle. The game had ended.


The penalties were taken in a MLS-style shootout. Each player had 5 seconds from the referee’s whistle to score from about 40 yards out. They ran forward and tried to beat the ‘keeper. Most missed, finally Andy Devonshire scored meaning Chicken City had to score to stay in the game, but Elis James stepped up but couldn’t round Tom Rosenthal. Egg United were the Comedy Football Trophy Champions for 2024!

Congratulations to Egg United who lifted the massive pineapple

Notable Performances

Mat Bayton: Good on the ball driving forward from midfield.

Maisie Adam: A really good player and the only one to hit the crossbar making it a very exciting end to the game.

Elis James: Not great, but not as bad as Nish Kumar was telling everyone he was.

Alex Horne: He was clever by taking advantage of the confusion of the two balls on the pitch.

Mark Watson: A good defender who runs a bit like he’s stepping on Lego.

Mike Wozniak: Good at passing.

Jon Richardson: Tidy on the ball.

Tom Rosenthal: The only one to wear the wonderful wig twice because of some good saves. He looked really hot in it.

Nish Kumar: A funny commentator.

Stuart Laws: Decent in goal and unlucky with a few ‘offside’ decisions that didn’t go his way and led to goals. He told us afterwards that the linesman had warned him, he’d be booked if he carried on complaining about it. Harsh.

Follow this link for more match reports and theatre reviews.

Egg United warm-up in the Chesham sunshine
Me and my sister enjoying the match